By Selwyn Duke

For you religio-centric clods who haven’t yet expanded your
celebratory horizons – and you know who you are – I bring a message of
tolerance and inclusiveness: December 26 marks the start of Kwanzaa.

As some know, this High Holy Week saw its birth 482 moons in
the distant past, which means about forty years ago. It was founded by
the Great Prophet, Maulana Karenga, who was born in the cradle of
religion itself, Maryland.

Like many deeply spiritual men, Karenga came from humble
origins, christened Ron N. Everett and raised on a poultry farm.
Perhaps it was the desire to distance himself from his fowl upbringing,
but young Everett took the African name “Karenga” and then later
adopted “maulana,” a Swahili title that means “master teacher.”

Like all great spiritualistic teachers, Karenga never felt
constrained by the ways and strictures of this material fold, like, for
instance, laws prohibiting, assault, robbery and the torture of young
women, the last of these being a highly spiritual act for which he was
imprisoned, no doubt in violation of his constitutional right to
freedom of religious expression.

Also like other spiritualistic teachers, Everett has worked to
achieve brotherhood. Or, at least, “bruthahood.” To this end, he has
promulgated the following: There is a “seven-fold path of blackness,”
which is to “. . . think black, talk black, act black, create black,
buy black, vote black and live black.” I guess he’s dreaming of a black
Kwanzaa.

Now, I must confess to being naive. I would have thought
Everett’s brainchild a divisive, unmarketable idea. After all, instead
of virtually all Americans celebrating Christmas the way they always
had, some blacks now celebrate race-based Kwanzaa. And who would think
people stupid enough to glom onto a fictitious holiday invented by a
violent, bigoted would-be Marxist?

So, naive, yes, but unreceptive to learning, no. I will now
state that Ron Everett has inspired me to follow his lead and do my
part to increase diversity and opportunity for all. Thus, I hereby
announce the foundation of a new holiday, one that will start in 2007
and coincide with Kwanzaa.

It shall be known as “Aaznawk.”

Like Kwanzaa, Aaznawk will be a highly specialized celebration,
espousing a seven-fold path to whiteness: Think white, talk white, act
white, create white, buy white, vote white and live white.

Now, I initially thought this posed a problem. You see, when I
first read Everett’s seven-fold path, I was confused. There is a
plenitude of black populations living in various parts of the globe –
with hundreds of different tribes in Africa alone – and they don’t all
think identically, so what does it mean to “think black”? And, of
course, the same applies to whites. But, I figured, what the heck. I’m
sure Everett can enlighten me on how to distill racial thought down to
monolithic simplicity.

And there are other similarities between these two holidays as
well. Ex-con Everett originated Kwanzaa in 1966; God originated the
originator of Aaznawk in 1966. As for God, like humanistic Kwanzaa,
Aaznawk makes no reference to Him.

But there are also differences. Kwanzaa has as principles Ujima and Ujamaa,
which mean, respectively, “collective work and responsibility” and
“cooperative economics” and states that blacks should start businesses
and “profit from them together.” Aaznawk, however, is quite the
opposite. I will encourage adherents to embrace free market principles
and, furthermore, to establish businesses proximate to the Kwanzaa
collectives. After all, communistic enterprises are doomed to failure,
so we’ll be there to fill the void. Just call me the Prophet of Profit.

Really, this Kwanzaa folderol smacks of fiction, seeming much
like Frank Costanza’s holiday on Seinfeld, “Festivus.” But it’s also
much like a bad movie that critics are afraid to pan, with schools, cities and politicians paying homage to the invention of an angry erstwhile violent criminal. President Bush himself just issued a Kwanzaa message,
mentioning how families come together to “. . . reflect on the Seven
[communistic] Principles.” Ah, Incurious George, the great defender of
our culture.

But, you know, if this were a movie production, with its
“think black, talk black, act black, create black, buy black, vote
black and live black” script, I’d say it was time to fade to black.

That’s not happening, though, so maybe the ex-con’s con
vindicates H.L. Mencken’s assessment, “No one ever went broke
underestimating the taste of the American public.” And this is why my
hopes are high. Perhaps I’ll live to see the day when stores, schools
and presidents wish one and all an “Awesome Aaznawk.” Maybe even, like
Everett, I’ll be given a chairmanship at California State University at
Long Beach, where I’ll be able to disgorge my ideology all over the
impressionable.

Am I dreaming? Perhaps. But, to paraphrase Twain, truth really
is stranger than fiction, especially in modern America. Hey, we already
have the distinction of being the first civilization to take a
real-life Festivus seriously.

                © 2008 Selwyn Duke — All Rights Reserved