By Selwyn Duke

Sometimes I could believe I was living in the Matrix.  Only, I can’t imagine sentient programs creating a world as irrational as ours. 

We’ve come to expect the usual Christmastime attacks upon tradition in the name of the mythical "separation of church and state"; the nativity scene on public property and school Christmas celebrations are favorite targets.  Then we have those wonderfully inclusive "holiday trees."  But now, hell’s sleigh bells, Santa Claus is under assault.

Is it because his image smacks of religion?  Is it because he is also known as St. Nicholas?  No and no.  It is far, well, more stupid than that.  Here’s the first of two examples of Santa insanity:

Some people don’t want Santa Claus to say "ho-ho-ho" because it could be demeaning to women.

I kid you not.

I first heard about this idea being posited by some rubber-room candidates in Australia, but now it’s happening here, too.  Writes the Austin American-Statesman,

The Chicago Tribune reports that the new Christmas controversy is over
Santa’s traditional ho-ho-ho laugh. A company that hires mall Santas is
advising its employees not to use the ho-ho-ho line. It suggests
instead he-he-he or ha-ha-ha.

Because? The ho word can be demeaning to women, the company trainer
told a group of Santa recruits. He was referring, of course, to the
word as used in some rap music and hip hop songs to mean what we once
referred to as ‘women of the night.’ Or ‘working girls.’

I’m not sure if the right response is he-he-he, ha-ha-ha or to cry.  But I’m not surprised that the name of the "trainer"  wasn’t mentioned.  Can you believe this lunkhead gets paid to render advice?  He probably considers himself quite insightful, too.

Not to be outdone in the battle for complete intra-cranial neuronic dislocation, our friends across the pond also have a problem with the rotund jolly man.

He’s too fat.

The Daily Mail writes that Santas have been ordered to either slim down or face eviction from shopping malls. 

Again, I kid you not.  You can’t make this stuff up.

The paper writes,

"Santa is being told to shift the pounds before Christmas – because the
obese saint is failing to set a ‘good example’ for children."

The piece continues,

Bluewater shopping centre in Greenhithe, Kent, has even gone one step further and set-up a Santa boot camp.

Fiona Campbell-Reilly, spokeswoman at the shopping centre, said: ‘Santa
has been around for years, but society has changed and our Santa needs
to reflect this.

Bluewater’s Santa Boot Camp is getting Santa in shape and setting a good example to children who idolise him.’

The Mail also points out that,

"The revelation [about the command to lose pounds] comes after a medical report earlier this month stated that by 2050 more than 50 per cent of Brits will be obese."

The report did not indicate how many Brits will have lost their minds by 2050.

Now, let me see if I understand this correctly.  Little Julie jumps into Santa’s lap at the mall and asks for a Britney Spears-like outfit. 

Santa bellows "ho-ho-ho."

Little Julie is offended.  Says the little girl,

"That’s just what the mean boys call me at school!"

Julie’s mother overhears and quite exercised exclaims,

"Whatchu doin’ callin’ ma daughter a ho?  She only 10 years old — I haven’ brung ‘er into th’ business yet!" 

Afterwards, little Niles, visiting from the UK, jumps into Santa’s lap and asks for a pet potbelly pig. 

Santa bellows "ha-ha-ha."

Little Niles is almost in tears and whines,

"That’s just how the bullies in school laugh when they call me a string bean!  I want to be big and fat like Santa!"

Listen, I don’t want my Santas going on exercise regimens, trimming their beards, getting Botox injections or dying their hair.  I want them fat, old, gray, wrinkled, jolly and generous.

And, please, Santa, even if they’re naughty, bring the leftist lunkheads some brain cells for Christmas.