By now, I'm sure you've all heard the story about the pet chimp in Connecticut (the rumors that he was an ACLU lawyer are unfounded) who attacked a woman.  Well, on the heels of that comes another warning about how your love for your pets may in fact be unrequited. Take heed. (What follows has been circulating throughout the Internet.)

Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other
inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I
make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must
eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that
keeps me going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust them, I
once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The
audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,
I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of
my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released
–and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously
retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him
communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports
my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in
an elevated cell, so he is safe . . .  for now . . . .